i have needs too, you know!

Man, all my life I feel like I've been the one trying to accommodate others and as a result I have not been able to truly express myself and my needs.

And I am FUCKING tired of it.

I truly believe that the outer world is a reflection of how you treat/view yourself (just as much as it is a reflection of how you treat/view others), and I have stepped aside out of fear that my mom will be upset if I tell her about the tattoo I am trying to get. Out of fear that I will lose brownie points with professors if I stand up to them and tell them that they are being unfair. Out of fear that expressing my opinion will get others butthurt. Out of fear of having to step outside of my comfort zone and put my true emotions, thoughts and passions out there. I'm an empathetic, peace loving person, but by not taking that risk, by not every once in a while telling somebody that this is what I feel and if they dont like it well they're just going to have to get the fuck over it, I am hurting myself. I need to stand up for myself freely.

Move over world, I fucking have needs just like the rest of you and you ARE going to start accommodating them just as I have respectfully done for you. And if you don't like it, well you are just going to have to fucking deal with it.

Contest winner!!!!

Okay so when I opened my facebook I saw a message in my inbox saying "you are the lucky winner blah blah blah" I was like okay time to block this forever when opened the message for real and saw that I had won a copy of Grouch's new ep for sharing an ad about it. It must be because when I shared the pic, I once again called him the slow sexy psygod. He wants me to be his psyconcubine <3

Except it turns out that it was actually a glitch hop ep. UGHHHH fucking glitch hop who wants to hear that??? Every track that Grouch puts out should be like the amaaaaazing tracks in his 2011 album, Further. Do you hear me Grouch!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Expecting sexy dark minimal and getting glitch hop is like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to discover that the chocolate chips are actually raisins. D:

Creepy Flounder

Whenever somebody I knew in person like from high school or something dies, I immediately go on their facebook page, read all of the "i miss you rip" wall posts, check their status, etc. to see if I can gain insight as to why they died before that information becomes widely released. It's like being in a murder mystery except it's real; is that fucked up? It's not that I don't feel for them/their loved ones, it's just that I wanna know, dammit!

Thinking about what I used to eat makes me a little depressed...

Sometimes I think back to when I was younger. My parents pretty much raised me on the standard american diet (which btw abbreviates to SAD and in case you can't tell I'm a total holistic health nut). You know gmo, high fructose corn syrup sweetened toast and hydrogenated peanut butter for breakfast with a side of growth hormone milk from tortured cow. The same processed bread with the same peanut butter and jelly made out of mostly hf corn syrup for lunch with a piece of fruit covered in pesticides for lunch. Frozen vegetables with pan fried factory meat in canola oil (okay I don't exactly know how to cook meat I went vegetarian when I was 14 but you get the idea) for dinner.

It makes me shudder a little bit when I think of what my parents used to feed me. I remember the summer before I was vegetarian, my dad brought home KFC because I used to like it. I remembered what I read online about how KFC raises their chickens and instead of bringing that up to him, I told him I wasn't really hungry at the time and he said well okay come up and get some food whenever and I retreated to my room and cried a lot over it because here my father's idea of taking care of me and treating me was something that had endured an unbelievable amount of suffering before its life was cut very short and it was cut into pieces and shipped out. That memory has been really poignant for me and I honestly still get really upset when I think of it.

I have a few other memories like that which don't stick out quite as much. Like the summer before I moved out, whenever I saw my mom eating something frozen for dinner because she was too tired from a long day of work to make herself something decent, I got really upset. Idk because I feel like not taking the time to properly feed your body as a habit indicates a lot of sadness. Maybe that's taking it a bit too far, but to me, feeding myself is my ultimate expression of love for myself. So idk I just kind of saw my mom as being sad and tired, and I felt that she was going to be very lonely once I moved out. She's not a very social person; she mainly just prefers the company of those close to her.

I had very much appropriately come to terms with those things, but the memories themselves still made me sad and I couldn't figure out why. Then, idk why this didn't come to me sooner since it's really fucking obvious, but I realized that. As an interdependent, (mostly) grown up person, I've been able to detox from all of the shit that my parents fed me over the years and maintain a steady healthy diet and all that. But they're still eating the same SAD stuff. And I'm afraid that if they don't start taking better care of themselves, their bodies will wear down way sooner than they need to. They can live a lot longer than they probably will if they don't change the way they're eating. I love my parents; they've worked hard to make sure that I would grow up to be successful and I just want them to be around for a long time so that they can be proud of all of my successes. I hope that I can encourage them to eat better.

When there is a full moon and lunar eclipse on the same night

and when you have a huge assignment due for a meticulous professor who LOVES docking points

and when you think you lost your wallet but it turns out that somebody brought it to the counter at the school coffee place during the two seconds you went to the trash (nice of them since it wasss a dumb move on my part)

and when you straight up feel like you haven't been true to yourself for most of the semester (lack of opportunities to bust a psy-nut)

and when you open up a piece of custom clothing you ordered a couple of months ago only to find shoddy, cheap craftsman ship for what you paid for,

the result is a LOT of uncontrollable emotion ;-;

brb im gonna go be a waterfall for the rest of the night :o

Thanks-for-nothing-giving

THANKSGIVING IS THE MOST ANNOYING HOLIDAY EVER.

I'm a pretty grateful person and I often explicitly express my gratitude, as I'm sure many of my close friends can tell you. However, I find this holiday VERY fucking annoying. Probably because I'm vegan. So after making the trip to my family's house, I have to cook my own dinner. Which really sucks when your parents have a very tiny kitchen and your anal-passive aggressive mother is running around behind you picking up every tiny food scrap you drop while you're trying to do your thing.....

I always have trouble doing this holiday. Fall semester is tough, and the only break I really get is this one which I have to spend at my parent's house... so after a few months of barely being able to do my own thing, I have to spend my time off with even less privacy or space than I had at the house that I just moved from. I want to move on from this semester onto more exciting projects, plz. And I would much prefer the time I spend with my family to NOT involve having a ton of people over for dinner which always makes my parents crabby and uptight. grrrrrrrrrrr

Also, in case all two of you who read this blog are wondering where I've been, my computer has been broken :(

Fuck the 'real' world!

Let's see what I have to do this week....

Well, I got a message from the local credit union saying that I have 70 dollars in overdraft fees. My account went 20 dollars negative a while back, and I decided to just let it be fore a while since I didn't get any fees at the time. No big deal, except for my inability to read the fine print and realize that after a certain period of negative-ness, you get a 5 dollar fee for every time you are negative. And of course they wait a while to contact you....

A handful of assorted assignments. Not really anything to stress about, but my schedule is such a cluster that it's hard to put time aside to sit down and be able to really work on them. I have lots of little breaks here and there and a lack of big breaks.

Finish a final paper for a very meticulous professor that acts all empathetic and understanding but slashes points here and there if it's not done "her way" even though it follows the rubric.

Register for classes. Now, this should have been simple. I've known what classes I need to take for a while, and I went to register for them as soon as registration opens up. However, there are these stupid weekend classes at my school for grad students in my department. They meet Friday night and all day Saturday once a month. They're offered at the same times but on different weekends. This creates a time conflict error in the computer system. No big deal, I just need to contact my advisor to do an override...

...except my advisor is that same anal professor I just mentioned. Instead of simply helping me, she insists that I put aside the time to talk to her face to face about what classes I want to take... yeah, I have time to meet up with you, as a full time student who works 20 hours a week and tries to maintain a life outside of that! What's the point of going to see you if I don't need you for anything? But if I argue with her, she'll just be a mega bitch to me when grading my papers.

See, in situations like this, the solutions should be a bit more simple but people have a tendency to pledge allegiance to the shit they're affiliated with.... I find that corporate banks will refund fees much more quickly because the tellers care more about me, a fellow human being, than their corporate overlords, while bank tellers at credit unions act incredibly snotty in situations like this. Professors demand that students don't have a fucking life outside of college... so helpful for a therapy major to ONLY be immersed in therapy related things and nothing else! I wonder why there is such a high burnout rate for music therapists??? Unlike the rest of my colleagues, I do not pledge allegiance to the education institution of America that is based on sucking up as much money, mental space, and time as possible.... and I honestly think that's the reason I've managed to get through without appearing to give a fuck.

But I do give somewhat of a fuck, because I do want to get out of here. It is very frustrating being bound to classes. I pay so much money to work! And it's not enlightening work, it's very mind-cluttery busy work, easy stuff that just takes the emphasis away from the things that matter in life, the more simple things like spending time out in nature, spiritual practice, enjoying time with friends without something looming in the distance, and most importantly, the psytrancier things in life! I make it a point to put time aside to do this stuff, but it's really not enough. I wish I could just hide in my room and smoke pot until this grad school thing blows over :P I think at least next semester will be easier because my schedule will be more organized.

And the last thing I have to do this week:

Not vote! This one should be self explanatory, but for those that would like a simple explanation: I don't like the giant douche any better than the turd sandwich.

Oh one more thing....

There's a shipping delay on my dehydrator and spiral cutter because of the storm! Wahhhhhhhhh!

I'm looking at recipes for raw versions of:
quiche
zuchinni spaghetti
pizza
cookies
etc.

that all look freaking amazzzzzing, and I'm going crazy with excitement. I want all of these delicious healthy things in my tummy so badly!

I HATE TV I HATE TV I HATE TV I HATE TV

Why does being in the kitchen for the rest of my roomates, specifically my landlord while he runs the cookie business, automatically mean that the TV has to be blaring down the hall the entire time? Turn the fucking thing off! It's bombarding my mind. o_O

Between the noise and lights from the cars on the highway, the lights from the rescue squad next door, the lights from the hallway, and the sounds in the kitchen, I haven't had a quiet, dark night in my own living space for well over a year now. And thank god I'm moving in a couple of weeks because it's really starting to bug me out! I have come to realize that all of my frustration in life stems from one core issue: I haven't had enough space for myself. I so look forward to living in a quiet house away from town where I have enough extra space outside of my bedroom to be creative. I think it's going to make ALL of the difference in the world.

By the way, during my landlord's bullying session last week that prompted me to find a new living space, he mentioned that it was a legitimate fear of his that he would come home one day to find the house burned down because of me. His girlfriend, who moved in a week later (coincidence? I don't think so!), has set the fire alarm off cooking twice now. I haven't set it off once. Just saying. Also her living here brings the grand total of people living in this tiny place up to 8 now! 8 people sharing one refrigerator.... ridiculous.

Fucking facebook fanboys, man

So, you meet a guy. Maybe through a mutual friend; maybe at a party, but the common factor is that you meet him in a circumstance that you're not regularly in. You talk to him for a couple of minutes and he seems nice and cool enough and whatnot. Not painful to talk to but you wouldn't make the special effort to see him again or anything. You come home and you have a facebook request and a "Nice to meet you" message from him. Well, that's nice and all. Nothing wrong with making friends and networking, right?

Then, before you know it, he's liking EVERY fucking post you put up, chatting you up connnnstantly, putting little lovenotes on your wall (how dare he cyber cockblock me! haha), and telling you that he wants to come visit you/wants you to come visit him every chance he gets. OMFG. I know almost NOTHING about you except for the fact that you think I'm the most amazing thing since sliced bread (despite the fact that you know almost nothing about me). Whhyyyyyy are you doing this??? I mean, I know you might be thinking about one of my earlier blog entries, but I make it a point not to go fangirl on a guy's ass. I know how annoying that shit is. And there's something to be said for being nonchalant. It indicates that you have a life and self esteem. And even if you have no life like me, you can at least fake it! (I mean I at least have my own interests/goals/dreams/hobbies/friends... I just spend too much time on the internet... at least my time is sloowwwwwly getting shorter, but that's a subject for another post)

In other words, men, if you fancy a lady based on her amazing looks and energy alone, that's completely fine and I think that it's fine to let her know to some extent that you find her attractive, but beyond that, if you bombard her with cyber attention, shit gets annoying reeeeeeeal fast.

This is why we can't have nice things.

So, I went to the college apartments near my school. A storm is on its way and my medicine stash was low, otherwise I wouldn't DARE go near that area the Saturday before Halloween. I guess the point of Halloween is to scare people, and nothing to me is scarier than drunk people starting fights rowdy enough to get the cops called for the five minutes I was there (made it a point to gtfo before they arrived), my sacred herb connect thinking he accidentally locked his keys in the apartment on their way out to a party and his girlfriend screaming bloody murder at him until he realized they were in a different pocket ten seconds later, and not to mention all of the tacky costumes. ughhhh. Those apartments are a drunken nightmare on any weekend, but for some reason the obnoxiousness gets far worse when tacky, store bought, and often slutty costumes are thrown into the mix.

How did a shamanic holiday traditionally based around communicating with deceased spirits turn into this? Of course, we modern day humans have taken every cool shamanic holiday and transformed it into something drunk/tacky/store bought. And of course, in this day and age, Halloween without darkpsy is just. plan. wrong.

virgo bullshit >:|

No offense to any of you virgos out there.... my libraness just can't handle your very sobering criticism and your freaking out at little, honest, mistakes!

I used to vaccum up my room after I cleaned out my guinea pig cage, until it was brought to my attention by my (virgo) landlord that his bedding and little poops were clogging up the vaccum. I switched to just using a broom to get up all the bigger particles a couple months ago, but the vaccum was still clogged from it. My landlord (annoyingly! he and my virgo dad both have to have this obnoxiously loud knock to the 'shave and a haircut' rhythm.... wtf!) knocked on my door and said "I just wanted to show you all the shit that built up." He was rinsing out the hose in the bathtub and yeah, I felt bad because it was a gross pile of stuff, but his passive aggressive attitude was fucking annoying. Despite that, I offered to help him and he said no, he just wanted to let me know.

Wtf? I went from feeling at 95% health to 70% health from my room being so cold Friday night. I'm still too congested to smoke weed without getting a headache (sad!) but I didn't have to make a special point to bitch about it to him. Because I knew that it was an honest mistake and he hadn't planned on it being so cold. So, if he's going to say that it's okay and deal with the problem on his own, why does he have to have such an attitude with me?

disclaimer: I think there are some pretty awesome qualities about virgos so plz don't be offended; my landlord and my dad just both happen to share some pretty annoying qualities.

SO COLD

So, I don't think my landlord realized it would frost overnight, and he's away, and he keeps the freaking heat locked up.... it's 50 degrees in my bedroom and there's condensation on the window.....

I tried taking a hot bath but our bathtub doesn't have a train stopper.... tried taking a shower but we ran out of hot water while I was trying to keep the bathtub full. -___-

I just drank a big cup of chai and am currently sitting in front of the open oven. And my sinuses are freaking killing me from the cold dryness. SO ANGRY WANT MEDITERRANEAN WEATHER RIGHT NAO

I must manifest a space heater in the near future!

Friday is supposed to be the BEST day of the week!

Since when did crying uncontrollably thinking about my romantic past become my Friday tradition???

I so badly want to devote myself to somebody, but I'm so afraid of being led on again like I have been in the past... how do I move on from that? :(

Detoxification

So, I haven't been actively detoxing recently, but I have been eating mostly raw (orange/banana/raw cacao nib smoothie for breakfast, greens/sprout/avocado/superfood salad dressing with flax, hemp, spirulina, garlic, raw apple cider vinegar and sesame oil on a sprouted grain wrap for lunch, raw energy balls for snacks, and as far as cooked food goes, it'smostly just been curry and stovetop popcorn). I also recently cut refined sugars and bread out of the pictures, so that's left my body a lot of room to do it's thing... and it's thing has left me feeling slightly crappy and uncomfortable as old toxins, along with old emotions, have been loosened up in my body.

So I decided to start doing salt scrubs... I mixed some pink sea salt with coconut oil (I'm gonna add raw honey and essential oils next time and give them out to people for Christmas!) and massaged my body, specifically my neck and shoulders because my throat has been particularly uncomfortable, and it felt AMAZING.

Until we ran out of hot water. That's what happens when you live with 6 other people on a Thursday morning. Fuck you, lukewarm showers. Fuck you.

How do you tell a friend...

...that they chew like a fucking horse? Seriously, my friend is always snacking on something. Making stove popcorn is an everyday thing for her, which is completely cool, except her chewing is freaking louder than popcorn popping. And it's as if she makes it a point to put food in her mouth whenever she has something to freaking say o___O I had to leave after the movie we watched was over because all I could pay attention to during the movie was her eating! Her boyfriend is just as bad :o

I say it's because they're an aries and a capricorn.

Ram and goat = grazing animals.

I must find a polite way to get through to her on this matter!

Mehhhh

So yesterday morning as I was putting my glasses on, they snapped without warning and since then a million tiny things have gone wrong.... all tiny, but I haven't had time to deal with them all and it's driving my temper up a wall. I can't think of the last time I legit got angry before today. Eh, sometimes I wish I had a shoulder to cry on and a body to squeeze :(

I'm a creep; don't mind me

You know when you have a crush on somebody
and you check their facebook WAY too often?
Mine barely ever post anything
because unlike me,
they have lives :P
So half the time I check there isn't even anything new up to creepily "like"