i have needs too, you know!

Man, all my life I feel like I've been the one trying to accommodate others and as a result I have not been able to truly express myself and my needs.

And I am FUCKING tired of it.

I truly believe that the outer world is a reflection of how you treat/view yourself (just as much as it is a reflection of how you treat/view others), and I have stepped aside out of fear that my mom will be upset if I tell her about the tattoo I am trying to get. Out of fear that I will lose brownie points with professors if I stand up to them and tell them that they are being unfair. Out of fear that expressing my opinion will get others butthurt. Out of fear of having to step outside of my comfort zone and put my true emotions, thoughts and passions out there. I'm an empathetic, peace loving person, but by not taking that risk, by not every once in a while telling somebody that this is what I feel and if they dont like it well they're just going to have to get the fuck over it, I am hurting myself. I need to stand up for myself freely.

Move over world, I fucking have needs just like the rest of you and you ARE going to start accommodating them just as I have respectfully done for you. And if you don't like it, well you are just going to have to fucking deal with it.

Contest winner!!!!

Okay so when I opened my facebook I saw a message in my inbox saying "you are the lucky winner blah blah blah" I was like okay time to block this forever when opened the message for real and saw that I had won a copy of Grouch's new ep for sharing an ad about it. It must be because when I shared the pic, I once again called him the slow sexy psygod. He wants me to be his psyconcubine <3

Except it turns out that it was actually a glitch hop ep. UGHHHH fucking glitch hop who wants to hear that??? Every track that Grouch puts out should be like the amaaaaazing tracks in his 2011 album, Further. Do you hear me Grouch!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Expecting sexy dark minimal and getting glitch hop is like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to discover that the chocolate chips are actually raisins. D:

Creepy Flounder

Whenever somebody I knew in person like from high school or something dies, I immediately go on their facebook page, read all of the "i miss you rip" wall posts, check their status, etc. to see if I can gain insight as to why they died before that information becomes widely released. It's like being in a murder mystery except it's real; is that fucked up? It's not that I don't feel for them/their loved ones, it's just that I wanna know, dammit!

Thinking about what I used to eat makes me a little depressed...

Sometimes I think back to when I was younger. My parents pretty much raised me on the standard american diet (which btw abbreviates to SAD and in case you can't tell I'm a total holistic health nut). You know gmo, high fructose corn syrup sweetened toast and hydrogenated peanut butter for breakfast with a side of growth hormone milk from tortured cow. The same processed bread with the same peanut butter and jelly made out of mostly hf corn syrup for lunch with a piece of fruit covered in pesticides for lunch. Frozen vegetables with pan fried factory meat in canola oil (okay I don't exactly know how to cook meat I went vegetarian when I was 14 but you get the idea) for dinner.

It makes me shudder a little bit when I think of what my parents used to feed me. I remember the summer before I was vegetarian, my dad brought home KFC because I used to like it. I remembered what I read online about how KFC raises their chickens and instead of bringing that up to him, I told him I wasn't really hungry at the time and he said well okay come up and get some food whenever and I retreated to my room and cried a lot over it because here my father's idea of taking care of me and treating me was something that had endured an unbelievable amount of suffering before its life was cut very short and it was cut into pieces and shipped out. That memory has been really poignant for me and I honestly still get really upset when I think of it.

I have a few other memories like that which don't stick out quite as much. Like the summer before I moved out, whenever I saw my mom eating something frozen for dinner because she was too tired from a long day of work to make herself something decent, I got really upset. Idk because I feel like not taking the time to properly feed your body as a habit indicates a lot of sadness. Maybe that's taking it a bit too far, but to me, feeding myself is my ultimate expression of love for myself. So idk I just kind of saw my mom as being sad and tired, and I felt that she was going to be very lonely once I moved out. She's not a very social person; she mainly just prefers the company of those close to her.

I had very much appropriately come to terms with those things, but the memories themselves still made me sad and I couldn't figure out why. Then, idk why this didn't come to me sooner since it's really fucking obvious, but I realized that. As an interdependent, (mostly) grown up person, I've been able to detox from all of the shit that my parents fed me over the years and maintain a steady healthy diet and all that. But they're still eating the same SAD stuff. And I'm afraid that if they don't start taking better care of themselves, their bodies will wear down way sooner than they need to. They can live a lot longer than they probably will if they don't change the way they're eating. I love my parents; they've worked hard to make sure that I would grow up to be successful and I just want them to be around for a long time so that they can be proud of all of my successes. I hope that I can encourage them to eat better.

When there is a full moon and lunar eclipse on the same night

and when you have a huge assignment due for a meticulous professor who LOVES docking points

and when you think you lost your wallet but it turns out that somebody brought it to the counter at the school coffee place during the two seconds you went to the trash (nice of them since it wasss a dumb move on my part)

and when you straight up feel like you haven't been true to yourself for most of the semester (lack of opportunities to bust a psy-nut)

and when you open up a piece of custom clothing you ordered a couple of months ago only to find shoddy, cheap craftsman ship for what you paid for,

the result is a LOT of uncontrollable emotion ;-;

brb im gonna go be a waterfall for the rest of the night :o

Thanks-for-nothing-giving

THANKSGIVING IS THE MOST ANNOYING HOLIDAY EVER.

I'm a pretty grateful person and I often explicitly express my gratitude, as I'm sure many of my close friends can tell you. However, I find this holiday VERY fucking annoying. Probably because I'm vegan. So after making the trip to my family's house, I have to cook my own dinner. Which really sucks when your parents have a very tiny kitchen and your anal-passive aggressive mother is running around behind you picking up every tiny food scrap you drop while you're trying to do your thing.....

I always have trouble doing this holiday. Fall semester is tough, and the only break I really get is this one which I have to spend at my parent's house... so after a few months of barely being able to do my own thing, I have to spend my time off with even less privacy or space than I had at the house that I just moved from. I want to move on from this semester onto more exciting projects, plz. And I would much prefer the time I spend with my family to NOT involve having a ton of people over for dinner which always makes my parents crabby and uptight. grrrrrrrrrrr

Also, in case all two of you who read this blog are wondering where I've been, my computer has been broken :(

Fuck the 'real' world!

Let's see what I have to do this week....

Well, I got a message from the local credit union saying that I have 70 dollars in overdraft fees. My account went 20 dollars negative a while back, and I decided to just let it be fore a while since I didn't get any fees at the time. No big deal, except for my inability to read the fine print and realize that after a certain period of negative-ness, you get a 5 dollar fee for every time you are negative. And of course they wait a while to contact you....

A handful of assorted assignments. Not really anything to stress about, but my schedule is such a cluster that it's hard to put time aside to sit down and be able to really work on them. I have lots of little breaks here and there and a lack of big breaks.

Finish a final paper for a very meticulous professor that acts all empathetic and understanding but slashes points here and there if it's not done "her way" even though it follows the rubric.

Register for classes. Now, this should have been simple. I've known what classes I need to take for a while, and I went to register for them as soon as registration opens up. However, there are these stupid weekend classes at my school for grad students in my department. They meet Friday night and all day Saturday once a month. They're offered at the same times but on different weekends. This creates a time conflict error in the computer system. No big deal, I just need to contact my advisor to do an override...

...except my advisor is that same anal professor I just mentioned. Instead of simply helping me, she insists that I put aside the time to talk to her face to face about what classes I want to take... yeah, I have time to meet up with you, as a full time student who works 20 hours a week and tries to maintain a life outside of that! What's the point of going to see you if I don't need you for anything? But if I argue with her, she'll just be a mega bitch to me when grading my papers.

See, in situations like this, the solutions should be a bit more simple but people have a tendency to pledge allegiance to the shit they're affiliated with.... I find that corporate banks will refund fees much more quickly because the tellers care more about me, a fellow human being, than their corporate overlords, while bank tellers at credit unions act incredibly snotty in situations like this. Professors demand that students don't have a fucking life outside of college... so helpful for a therapy major to ONLY be immersed in therapy related things and nothing else! I wonder why there is such a high burnout rate for music therapists??? Unlike the rest of my colleagues, I do not pledge allegiance to the education institution of America that is based on sucking up as much money, mental space, and time as possible.... and I honestly think that's the reason I've managed to get through without appearing to give a fuck.

But I do give somewhat of a fuck, because I do want to get out of here. It is very frustrating being bound to classes. I pay so much money to work! And it's not enlightening work, it's very mind-cluttery busy work, easy stuff that just takes the emphasis away from the things that matter in life, the more simple things like spending time out in nature, spiritual practice, enjoying time with friends without something looming in the distance, and most importantly, the psytrancier things in life! I make it a point to put time aside to do this stuff, but it's really not enough. I wish I could just hide in my room and smoke pot until this grad school thing blows over :P I think at least next semester will be easier because my schedule will be more organized.

And the last thing I have to do this week:

Not vote! This one should be self explanatory, but for those that would like a simple explanation: I don't like the giant douche any better than the turd sandwich.